Jeremiah's Heart
The agency called on a Wednesday morning. I knew as soon as I saw the caller ID, but I pushed away the feeling and answered the phone hoping for the best. “Hi How are you?” Doing ok you? "Well…." and then the news. I already knew it was coming. The day before I got to googling oygen levels and knew his were dangerously low. That morning before the phonecall I had this feeling he was gone. He’d had more viral infections in his few months of life than I'd had my entire life. There’s only so much a little heart with two holes can sustain. We were waiting for a doctors letter from a doctor in Africa that stated he could not have the surgery there and needed to have it in another country, the lawyer thought that was our best piece of We finally got that letter but it was the day before I got the call Jeremiah had passed away. There are times I wonder if things had moved faster, if he would be alive and had a chance. I wonder why God didn’t use this to redeem OUR STORY. Then I remember that’s it’s not about our story. It’s about HIS story. In my small mind, I believed this was a perfect opportunity for God to show that he blesses the faithful, that he rewards those of us that say YES to what He calls us to do. That he lifts up those who mourn by giving them what they want…um no. By the way, I am done trying to figure out how God works. I am in the business of blind trust now. Want us to adopt again? Ok Lord where to next? Want me to jump off this cliff without looking down first? Ok 1, 2, 333333333!!!! What He has taught me the most through this entire journey to adopt is that I have NO control over the outcome. The only thing I can control is my response when he asks. The outcomes have been unfavorable more than once and I came out the other side stronger and with a better sense of who HE is. So if that’s my reward then sign me up for the next heartache. I wouldn’t KNOW him truly and deeply the way that I do if things had gone my way…if I hadn’t had to get on my knees and cry out to him.
The thing that remains the biggest mystery to me about this life is the mingling of joy and pain that can happen without warning. In one second I can be tickling my two year old and feel the gift she is and in the next second I am feeling the excruciating loss of another child. I know God has given us good gifts and I know he has taken some of the things we wanted most...but He has replaced what He has taken with peace. And I truly believe that this pain has been met with a deeper understanding of who He is. And I would not KNOW Him if I hadn't been through this hell the last 8 years. I know His heart for the orphan ...I thought I knew it before but now that I have lost two, I really know it. I know the cries of the motherless and they are louder than they have ever been and it's like I can't turn down the volume. If we don't care for these, who will? There are a million more like Jeremiah and Moses...who just needed a piece of paper to have a chance....just need one person's heart to be stirred enough to make a difference in their life. We said yes to Jeremiah and honestly, it was the hardest yes we have ever said. Because we knew the risk. But we said it, crazy as we must look to the outside world. We knew it was crazy but as a friend pointed out to me, the disciples dropped their nets and followed a guy that must've seemed crazy and was asking them to do crazy things. And they followed Him to the cross and must've though...this is not what we signed up for, the one we followed is dead. They had no idea what God was doing behind the scenes. I've learned more in saying yes to two little boys, than I have in anything else I have ever done in my life.
So now what? Well, the answer is, we don't know. We still feel strongly that God has called us to adopt and we don't want to give up. But we need to take some time and evaluate our next move. We still have funds to adopt. Or to bless another family that is adopting. We are just waiting. We are good at that. Thanks for your prayers as we jumped into this adoption and we covet them as we grieve this little boy that we thought would be in our lives. We have peace knowing he is in the arms of his creator and no longer suffering, but our heart breaks for what could've been here on earth.