Today wasn’t great and it was. Max started first grade today and I feel like I am so mad at time right now. Emotions are heightened in our household lately. We’ve all shed tears this week. Not sure if it’s the transition from one season to another, if it’s the feeling we are “moving on” without Moses, if it’s trying to decide what next steps to take with our family, I don’t know…maybe it’s all of it. For some reason we are all a mess. Tony and I had a long conversation today about what we do now when it comes to our family and we are both gun shy when it comes to all the options. We are scared of taking the wrong steps again. In retrospect we may have rushed into a few decisions…one of them being the agency we picked. We were in a hurry to pick a new agency when ours closed their Ethiopia program and we wanted to find another that had an Africa program. I saw a Bible verse on the website and saw some reviews and off we went. I was naïve in thinking that any organization with a Christian vision, wouldn’t lie to us, wouldn’t knowlingly take kids away from their bio families with deciept and unkept promises. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We don’t have regrets but we feel we have learned so much and now it’s like we know too much. It’s like we are paralyzed to make a decision because of the things that “could” go wrong. The things that DID go wrong.
And Max may be picking up on our emotions, and I am pretty sure he is going through some grief of his own. Telling him he no longer had a brother that would live with us was not our favorite day. I told Tony that it was so hard because it was the first thing we had to tell him that would shake up his little safe world. It was his first big disappointment in life. We have been telling him since he knew what a brother was, that he had one and that one day he would come live with us. I can’t count the times we said to Max, “When Moses gets here you can show him that..” or “When Moses gets here you will have someone to do that with…” He told people he had a brother and a sister…he was so proud to be Moses’ big brother and he was ready to help teach him English and show him how to ride a bike. His reaction when we told him that wasn’t going to happen was not what we expected. We thought he may cry or be sad…but he was angry. Angry at us specifically. A visceral anger that surprised us. He was mad that we got to meet Moses and he never did. He sobbed on his bed and told us to leave him alone. Tony kept trying to rub his back and he kept throwing his hand off and telling us to leave him be. So we went into our room and told him we would be there when he was ready to talk. I sobbed on the edge of the bed…he finally came in. We told him we were so sad too, that we didn’t want this either. He said “does this mean I don’t have a brother anymore” and “Will I never get to meet him?” Both questions broke me as a mom. It sucks to not be able to take away your child’s pain. To have to deliver a message that you know will shake their foundation. And now I don’t know if it’s grief or being a 6 year old or the end of summer mentality but his anger has been real and shocking. He has always had such a sweet heart but now we are seeing anger manifest itself in our son and honestly I have been so busy dealing with my own sadness and anger that I have NO idea what to do with his. But after the outburst happens there HE is again, my sweet hearted boy…we cried together tonight after one said outburst. He laid on my chest and we both cried…hard. And he promised to do better and I promised to do better. We prayed that God would help us do better. I see his heart in those moments and I know we will get through this…and he’s maturing but he’s still a little boy and I just want to do right by him. I just want him to feel heard and loved and like he can be who he is supposed to be. When a mom is dealing with grief….how exactly can she be the best mom to her kids as they are dealing with their own? I have no idea. Any suggestions, cuz I am drowning a little bit here.
We had a great morning dropping Max off to his first day of school…we prayed over him and watched him light up as he saw his “buddies”. Grateful for the kids in his class that will help with the lonliness of a brother lost. Grateful for the teacher that will help him learn God’s word as a foundation when his is crumbling. We are starting our new “Normal” this year as we all accept we are a family of 4 and not 5. I will hold these kids close and know that we are getting through this together, as a family as four people who love each other deeply and are surrounded with countless others that lavish love/support upon us too. Happy first day.