I realized right before we left for Africa that the devil was attacking me. He was filling me with fear and anxiety. Someone told me that the devil attacks when something big is happening. I had so many questions; Why did God call us to this? Do I have it in me to do this? I never anticipated how hard this would be. I thought by now our baby would be home. But when they handed him to us, all those questions melted away. He is our son, and we would do anything for him. After a strenuous two days and two nights of horrendous travel nightmares we were finally home, and I didn’t know how to be here….without him. It was like heaven kissing and holding Max after 11 days of absence, but it was hell walking into our house and realizing it felt wrong with just the three of us now. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like nothing can make it better. Something big happened, to our family. Some big GREAT thing. We met the most beautiful baby, held and prayed over him for 10 glorious days, and then someone put him in a van and drove away with him screaming and reaching for us. And nothing has ever hurt like that. We have no idea when we will see him again.
I feel like he (Moses) is everywhere and nowhere, like anything can trigger this deep aching sadness. The cry of a baby on the plane, the smell of his little clothes as I unpacked the suitcases, washing the bottles, a little guy I saw at the grocery store this morning...these things all make me sob. Because I still feel like he is so close to me, but he is so far away. Everywhere but nowhere. When people ask about him… of course I love to tell them about this little funny man…but it also reminds me how I am missing everyday with him. The lump jumps into my throat so fast, I can barely talk. My mom told me that I should go to the “wailing wall” when it hurts, and just wail. That I can cry out to God, that I can ask him for his love to cover my pain. “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3 I caught a glimpse of something great. God gave me a taste of this big GREAT thing, and now I must trust that He will fulfill His promise, but for now I am going to wail, because my heart hurts in a way that it has never hurt before.
Getting back into our routine here, I am having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings, but this little man named Max is reminding me the joys of motherhood, even in the midst of the pain. The other day he was sitting in the carseat and I was crying. He asked if he could come sit by me. I told him he had to stay in his seat. He said “But mom if I sit by ya, I can protect you from being sad.” He is this little haven for me when I want to get away from the reality of my son being on the other side of the world, on a little mattress on a dirty floor wondering where his mama and dada went.
Lord, thank you for the time you gave us with Moses. Thank you for the blessing of two beautiful healthy boys, thank you for the joy we felt holding our sweet boy, thank you for sustaining us in this time. Thank you for safe travels, thank you for bringing us on this journey, even when our faith waivers. I don’t want to do everyday without him, but that is what you are asking of us right now, so we will do it.
Soon I will tell you all about sweet Moses…but for now, I am just missing him too much to relive our time with him....give me a week.
You call me out upon the waters
the great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
in oceans deep, my faith will stand
And I will call upon your name,
and keep my eyes above the waves,
when oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace,
for I am yours and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters,
your sovereign hand will be my guide,
my feet may fail when fear surrounds me
you’ve never failed and you won’t start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
and my faith could be made stronger in the presence of my Savior…