It's funny how with my pregnancy, I was so scared and wasn't sure if I even wanted to be a mother. Now, this time around, I can't wait to be a mother… again. Everything changed the day I held max for the first time, everything. It's so cliche to say but if you knew me before max, you know how true this is in my life. As we trade in the diapers for Spider-man underwear and the sippy cups for big cups, and the crib for a bed....I can't wait to do it all over again. But this time instead of dreading the day of labor I am laboring in the pains of waiting. I call it waiting pains.
We found out this week that our wait will be longer than anticipated, we think Baby M will be 2 by the time he's home with us and this is HARD to imagine…another year of missing everyday with him. I think of the thousands of photos and memories and moments we had with max in his first two years of life, and it's killing me. I love Baby M so much and I haven't even held him, or smelled him, or woken up late at night to comfort him when he is sick. Instead all I can do is wait for him...most days I'm at peace with that, but every once in awhile I feel it well up in me and overflow...I will pass his picture in the hallway and I will catch my breath and the tears come so fast that I can't stop them...and my sweet, precious, sensitive boy says "what's wrong momma?" And all I can say is "I am sad baby." Just really really sad. I am sad for Tony and I am sad for me and I am sad for everyone who has supported this family and is waiting to meet Baby M. But I am mostly sad for Max and Baby M, that they will go another year without knowing each other.
The other night Tony was putting Max to bed and I left the room after saying prayers with them and I heard Max crying. I went back in and Tony told me he was crying because I forgot to pray for Baby M. We pray for him every night…that God would keep him safe and bring him home. Somewhere in Max’s little heart, it hit him that Mom forgot to pray for his brother. And that this MATTERED. I get sad thinking we will be saying this prayer for another 365 days…if not longer…but we will continue to pray this, and we will continue to hope for SOON.
In the meantime, we may have the opportunity this fall to go meet our son. If we have to wait another year, there is no question that we will do everything we can to see him. We thought we may only have to go once to the Congo, so this will definitely be more of a financial strain. But we HAVE to go. We HAVE to hug him. We HAVE to laugh with him. Even if it's only for a few days. We have to. If you feel led to help us match our matching grant here is the info! Help us meet our son! We are halfway to our goal of $3,000! Thanks to everyone who has helped us get there!
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On a lighter note: Thanks to everyone who participated in our March Madness Fundraiser!!! Congrats to the winner, Renee Dreher who is actually in the Congo right now! Can’t wait to hear about her trip and the country that will be a part of our lives forever.