being thankful when we're not thankful
What do you say to God when you can’t give thanks anymore?
What if you are not thankful for the place He has brought
you? I have been asking these questions. I have realized
that having grief because I lost someone doesn’t mean I am not thankful for
what I do have. It just means I can’t
say it right now.
I’ve never been through grief like this. I've learned there is no easy way to get
around the grief. It hits hard somedays
and you can’t just sweep it under the rug, because when you do, it comes back
with a vengeance and you lose it. You lose it. (Usually in a public place without warning.) There were days I would need to talk about it and days I would silently
pray you wouldn’t ask. I am
not familiar with not being “ok”. I am
not comfortable making others uncomfortable.
When someone asks “how are you?”
I want to say “I’m well, you?” I
don’t want to say, “bad. I don’t want to get out of bed
some days, I don’t want to be a mom to just two kids today when I thought I was
a mom to three. I don’t want to grocery
shop or do laundry or do anything that feels normal because my life feels so
abnormal and wrong.” Because if I said
all that, I would worry you wouldn’t know what to say to that. And I don’t want you to say “If God brought
you to it He'll bring you through it…”
I don’t want you to say “everything happens for a reason.” I don’t want
you to say “It’s too bad you couldn’t just get another one (kid!) while you were over
there” These are things people (well
meaning people) have said to me. And
these things don’t help. And don’t make
any of it better.
But if I have learned anything on this path that I did not
choose, it’s that it is ok to not be ok…even if that makes everyone around me
uncomfortable. Truly, there have been
some remarkable friendships that have bloomed out of my pain this year. I sat with girlfriends that let me talk for
hours about my pain, and they understood on the days I couldn’t talk about it. They have taught me what it means to really
BE there for someone who is going through grief. I was unable to be a good friend this year, I
was too engulfed in my own mess. But I
gained some tools on how to be there for someone when I am able.
“We cannot carefully address the wounds of others if we are
carelessly addressing our own” -Esther Fleece
One of these new beautiful friends of mine was talking one day
about how Jacob walked with a limp after encountering (wrestling with)
God. A lightbulb went off in my head,
this is my limp. I have wrestled with
God. I have asked him the hard
questions, I have lamented and cried out to Him in my pain. And now, it’s over…but I will walk with this
forever. The pain is seared in my memory, in my body, forever.
I realized this the other night when I went to a fundraiser
for an orphanage in Uganda. This is an
amazing ministry that works to unify bio families and support the parents
so they can care for their children.
They also have an adoption ministry when reunification is not
possible for the bio family. I have met a few of the
families this year that have adopted from this orphanage. Normally, sitting in any fundraiser for
orphanges in Africa my heart is stirred, the tears flow and I feel all the
feels because that is my passion and heart.
But this night I felt something different, I felt emptiness, and
anger. I sat and watched the stories of
these beautiful families and all I could see was his face (Moses). All I could think about was the future that
was taken from our family. For
some reason, Tony and I keep coming back to the fact that we both still want to
adopt from Africa….then we look at each other and realize how crazy we
sound. This is still the dream for our
family, but neither of us are ready for everything that means yet.
After the program I went up to the director of the orphanage to ask her a few questions on what she thought the status of adoption in Uganda is and if she worries about them shutting it down. I also asked her about agencies she works with, obviously I have lots of questions about agencies. I told her a bit of our story and this wonderful woman looked me square in the eyes and said, “Have you forgiven those people?” (meaning our agency) I thought about it for a second and realized I hadn’t even thought about forgiving them…I had been so focussed on me and God and dealing with the grief of our family that I didn’t realize I was hanging on to my anger towards them. She preached for the next few minutes about forgiving those that have wronged us and how there is so much freedom that comes when we do.
Maybe that is why we haven’t been able to take another step yet…we are stuck in this step…or at least I am. She prayed over me and said “Tell you what, you forgive those people, get your freedom, and when you are ready I will get you a couple of kids” Tears for days. I don’t know if God will ever make a way for us to welcome a child (or children) from Africa into our home…what I do know is that we can’t do that until we are free from the anger and the hurt. We may walk with a limp, but we will be walking with a limp in freedom and truth. I'm honestly not there yet. I don’t know when or how I will be.
After the program I went up to the director of the orphanage to ask her a few questions on what she thought the status of adoption in Uganda is and if she worries about them shutting it down. I also asked her about agencies she works with, obviously I have lots of questions about agencies. I told her a bit of our story and this wonderful woman looked me square in the eyes and said, “Have you forgiven those people?” (meaning our agency) I thought about it for a second and realized I hadn’t even thought about forgiving them…I had been so focussed on me and God and dealing with the grief of our family that I didn’t realize I was hanging on to my anger towards them. She preached for the next few minutes about forgiving those that have wronged us and how there is so much freedom that comes when we do.
Maybe that is why we haven’t been able to take another step yet…we are stuck in this step…or at least I am. She prayed over me and said “Tell you what, you forgive those people, get your freedom, and when you are ready I will get you a couple of kids” Tears for days. I don’t know if God will ever make a way for us to welcome a child (or children) from Africa into our home…what I do know is that we can’t do that until we are free from the anger and the hurt. We may walk with a limp, but we will be walking with a limp in freedom and truth. I'm honestly not there yet. I don’t know when or how I will be.
“If you keep moving with a wound that needs attention, you
will only make it worse” Esther fleece
My biggest lessons this year:
It’s ok not to be ok
When you wrestle with God you come out stronger than before
but you may have that limp forever
Forgiveness is freedom
My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect
in weakness 2 Corinthians 12:9
“He has redefined redemption and beauty for me, not as a
happy ending, but as His presence with me regardless of the ending.” Katie
Davis Majors
