Before and Africa

I have had so many emotions running through my body the last month.  Anxiety being number one.  I don’t particularly like to fly.  I loathe take off.  Knowing you will soon be 30,000 feet in the air and if even one thing goes wrong, you have to think about your death the whole way down.  Worst way to go.  But I have always felt if it’s my time, it’s my time and I am not afraid to die, I guess I am just afraid of dying in that way.  But usually I don’t get this anxious…maybe it’s because we are both getting on a plane and leaving our three year old behind.   Maybe it’s because on the other side of this long plane ride we will meet a baby that may or may not feel connected to us right away.   Maybe it’s because when we get on that plane to come home, I know it’s gonna hurt …but maybe I don’t really know how much.  My heart will be living in two places; split between my two sons.  I don’t know what it feels like to live on the other side of the world from my child after holding and bonding with him.  I will know what that feels like after this trip.  I will know how his eyes light up when he laughs, I will know what his little chest looks like as it rises and falls while he drifts off, I will know what it’s like to hold his little hand in mine,.  I will know what makes him mad, what makes him giggle.  Then we will leave him there, for an undetermined amount of time. 

But what gives me peace is knowing that after a year and a half of waiting, we will walk into a room in a foreign country, after 20+ hours of travel, and someone will hand us our baby.  And that gives me peace.  All the anxiety melts away when I think about that feeling.  This trip was a necessity, even if it makes the  upcoming months that much harder…he will be worth it.   

Please pray for safe travels. Pray that God would give us the same peace he has been dolling out little by little to us as we have traveled this road.    Pray that Moses will feel loved for the ten days we are there and that God will let him hold onto the memory of us so he will know us when we go to bring him home.   Pray for Max…he’s been really sad that he can’t go with us.  The tears break me and I hope he understands why we are going.  He just so sensitive.  So sweet. 

Thanks for your prayers.  We can’t wait to brag about him.  We have to make up for a year’s worth of missed pictures and videos….so prepare to be bombarded. 

The last time I went to Africa, it changed me forever.  I don’t think this time will be any different.  There is before Africa…and there is after Africa….  

See you after….