Anger issues
I’ve been struggling this summer. I use the term “struggle”
loosely realizing there are people who’s struggles warrant the use of the term
far more than mine. But struggling in
my own way nonetheless.
I am realizing I am still new to this mothering thing. I have to remind myself of this every time my
two year old decides to assert his own will.
I don’t have all the answers. I
have NO IDEA what to do when he starts hitting and biting me. Being a mom came so naturally when all I had
to do was respond to his needs. He’s
hungry, I feed him, he’s sick I give him medicine or hold him, he’s dirty I
change him. Then one day he wakes up and
decides he is no longer on my schedule and I am absolutely clueless. Yes I know he needs boundaries. I know he needs stability and
discipline. I know. But knowing and
doing are two entirely different entities.
This summer has been a struggle as a mother.
Anyone who works in camp ministry knows the hours can take a
toll on a family…Tony has continued to be so supportive in the midst of long
days without him. He never forgets to
tell me what a great mom he thinks I am, and how proud he is of me for taking
care of things while he works. I
struggle to do the same for him, I take for granted that he KNOWS that I am proud
of him for the long hours he puts in to support our family. I want to be a support to him in the way he
is a support to me.
This summer has been a struggle as a wife.
Sorting through the feelings of my mom having breast cancer
I have come to the realization that life is completely unpredictable when for
so long it was predictable. Cancer comes
out of nowhere and can beat you down if you let it…but my mom didn’t let
it. Maybe I did.
This summer has been a struggle as a daughter.
This Sunday, our pastor talked about anger. I guess I didn’t realize until he said it
that I was struggling with it. I was
angry that my mom and brother in law have cancer. I was angry that I was doing a lot on my own
this summer. I was angry that my son
doesn’t do what I want him to do when I want him to do it. And my anger was manifesting itself in all
sorts of ways. Tears. Silence. Busyness. Impatience.
Honestly- it’s hard for me to admit how angry I have
been. Because I want to put on a smile
and let everyone think I am a great mom, wife, daughter…when in reality I am a
complete failure on my own.
The good news is I am not on my own. God says he is with me and if I call upon him
he will answer. As I prepare to be a
mother of two I am acutely aware that I will not be able to continue on the
path I am on. It is no longer possible
for me to rely on myself in any capacity.
So here is my resolution
When Max bites me …call upon the Lord
When cancer scares me….call upon the Lord
When feeling alone….call upon the Lord
When feeling overwhelmed…call upon the Lord
When swimming in adoption bills….ask for more money- just
kidding –call upon the Lord
We sang this song on Sunday and it rang so true to my heart’s
cry
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without you I fall apart
You’re the one that guides my heart
Lord I need you oh I
need you every hour I need you
My one defense, my
righteousness oh God how I need you
When sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
Where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
TEACH my song to rise to you,
when temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I’ll fall on you,
Jesus you’re my hope and stay